Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize