Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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