I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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