this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
