My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
