We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
