So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
