She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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