I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
