i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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