Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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