I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
