does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
