My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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