whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Found the puke drawer
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
