its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
