ADVERTISEMENT

• (631): View more from New York

  Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

  Fav 2 1302 3337

  share tweet
  

• (314): View more from Missouri

  rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?

  Fav 39 6514 1029

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (856): View more from New Jersey

  I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

  Fav 28 5484 1513

  share tweet
  

• (562): View more from California

  even your uterus rejects him.

  (1-562): View more from California

  apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.

  Fav 7 5594 1427

  share tweet
  

• (714): View more from California

  im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me

  Fav 8 3758 996

  share tweet
  

• (647): View more from Ontario

  i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.

  Fav 3 3649 1416

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (601): View more from Mississippi

  i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy

  Fav 6 898 2329

  share tweet
  

• (619): View more from California

  No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

  Fav 6 3544 957

  share tweet
  

• (616): View more from Michigan

  my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?

  Fav 3 734 930

  share tweet
  

• (585): View more from New York

  I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.

  Fav 8 756 1120

  share tweet
  

• (217): View more from Illinois

  Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?

  Fav 4 821 390

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (425): View more from Washington

  For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.

  Fav 1 449 336

  share tweet
  

• (506): View more from New Brunswick

  NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.

  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  ILLEGAL

  Fav 1 154 287

  share tweet
  

• (248): View more from Michigan

  I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher

  Fav 0 94 7

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (602): View more from Arizona

  i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.

  Fav 0 13 42

  share tweet
  

Randomize