Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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