Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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