whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
