dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
