So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
