We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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