I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
