Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
