Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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