I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
