Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
