Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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