I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
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Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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