Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
