I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
