No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
