i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
