I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
