I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
