once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
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You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
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Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."