I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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