Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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