ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
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our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
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Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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