just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
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it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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