the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
