I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
