the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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