She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
