Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Randomize
