I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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