This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize