And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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