Where did you get a picture of my penis
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
