i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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