My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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