I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
