So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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